Posted on 5th of February 2015
I’ve been thinking a lot about yesterday’s post , and I still haven’t figured out those cryptic references to stars determining battle schedules. (C’mon, ancient texts! Why so gnomic and abstruse? Would it kill you to have a FAQ?) But as I dive into the question and reread texts that I thought I knew by heart, I’m finding more depth and complexity everywhere I look. It’s like I was halfway through some blurry mess of a movie and suddenly realized I had forgotten to put on the 3-D glasses. I’ve actually had to stop and check the covers a few times to make sure I was reading the same editions. Yep. Same words. But I’ve changed.
Growing up, I never felt like one person. I was someone different to everyone I met, existing only to please other people. As Wayland taught me his twisted version of the Ancient Truth, I began to feel constant, consistent, whole. I now see that this was an illusion. All of my fragmentary selves were still there. They were merely covered over by an external code I could recite in my head instead of developing a real self. It was no accident. I was in pieces because that’s how Wayland wanted me. It made me easy to control.
In these last few months of treachery and tragedy all of these parts of me re-emerged. I was angry Stella. I was weepy Stella. I was smart Stella. I was terrified Stella. One after the other, endlessly cycling with no respite. But now I’ve found that the system Wayland used to control me has become the very thing that is freeing me. In Ancient Truth I am finding dignity, self-worth, and honor, and I am taking them far more seriously than Wayland ever did. I’m a whole person now.
It is not that these fragmented selves are gone, but now I’m realizing that they are at once both real and not real. It’s like looking at different sides of a complex shape that is now visible to me. The more knowledge I have of this shape, the greater my ability to control these selves and integrate them into a whole. This is the discipline of the Ancient Truth. I see that now.
There is a feeling of power and control that comes with this discovery, and while I welcome this feeling after the dark turmoil of the recent past, I remain a little suspicious of it. How can I tell if this feeling of power is authentic self-control or an illusion, another blind alley that leads me back into servitude? Corruption feels like power when it first arrives.
We’ll talk more about this tomorrow, Students. All knowledge is self-knowledge. Remember that.